It is all too complicated.

Home: Pauoa Valley: Honolulu, Hawaii

Krsna!!!   You are ignoring me.

I am writing this for You. You.

For You. You!

You!

            I am feeling so alone without You.

            I feel so out of control its like no one can stop me, especially myself. Maybe more so its that I feel like no one is even watching or caring what I am doing. No one.

I make the rules and I hate it.

 

 

I can choose to do what will keep me here! I can choose to do “bad” things and to do things that entangle me here even more, yet—

 

You are ignoring me.

 

 

            I feel like You aren’t making me feel that I am welcome to come home to You.

 

I talk to You all day and I don’t get any reciprocation. You just give me whatever it is that I want, and I hate it.

 

 

I hate it.

Why can’t You start giving me only what I need, and not just what I want? I don’t get it.

 

I am calling out for you!

In my dreams, in my prayers, in my thoughts, in my songs, in my sighs, in my restless movements, in my pleading… and yet, You keep answering only my desires.

 

Its not fair. You are a spoiling parent, and You are spoiling me to the point of boredom.

 

I don’t ever get bored. I don’t ever allow it to happen. I am always kept challenged by keeping my options and opportunities open and reading and speaking to everyone that can keep me interested. But now I am finding nothing from You. I am receiving nothing from You.

 

 

I am the type of person who wills for something, but still can be distracted by something else if not put in the right place. My will is strong, but my boredom of time sometimes leads to situations getting complicated.

 

And if there is anything that I do have now–is complications.

 

I am in one of the hardest situations of my life but I don’t have anyone to guide me. So I am just going forward praying for You to notice.

 

I am trying to look at them as obstacles to keep me in ever lasting anxiety for Your love and Your world away free all these temporary feelings. But that is not enough everyday to get me by. Knowing that You are keeping in anxiety for You for my favor.

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This is worse than any trial, because not only have I never seen the Judge or the prosecutor, but I have no witnesses.

 

 

I feel really out of it now. I was so together, seeming when I was in your direct presence in the dham.

 

Now I can’t feel your presence. I know it’s my own fault, yet I also know that I am really trying and feeling hopeless without Your help.

I stand before You and I can’t even tell its You. I don’t even know who You are.

            The answer is so clearly floating before me—and it is the scariest part: I’m not  sincere enough to understand You.

I am just wasting Your time.