So, I guess Krsna read my blog.

He started giving me a bunch of things all at once that were too much to handle and very much not expected or desired. Sounds about right.

Things I couldn’t of imagined happening are all some how flying their way into my direction at full speed with no intention of slowing before impact. 

Its cold here in Belgium, and its only Fall. I don’t know how to anticipate the Winter.

Im feeling really under-qualified for my sponsorship and attendance at the Bhaktivedanta College.

I can think of hundreds of nice devotee kids who could do better and deserve better, who are more sincere, more humble, who have less faults, less drama, less broken promises, less fumbled relationships, and superficial dealings, hurtful words spewed our of control at loved ones, wasted days without an ounce of a thinking about you….

And so many other “sins.” i don’t even know why i deserve such a beautiful opportunity…

I read the book “Dharma….” something or other on the way here by Srila Prabhupada of course. It was exciting to see that I did learn some things in Bhakti Sastri!

Ahhhhh! The expectations have risen, and i am not sure i am worthy to stand the flood. Some people at my home temple have joked that i should give class when i return, like i will ever be advanced enough to do that. Ever. 

Sometimes i feel like ISKCON needs a “Running Start” or like a Special Ed. organization for us slow ones, so that we can catch up to the rest of everyone else. There is a lifetime of knowledge, i mean lifetimes of knowledge, how does everyone find the time!? 

My feet have already begun to freeze. 

Random piece of info: Someone told me i was going to say “wtf” the other day in a sentence. So weird, i really never ever say that…

Home: Pauoa Valley: Honolulu, Hawaii

Krsna!!!   You are ignoring me.

I am writing this for You. You.

For You. You!

You!

            I am feeling so alone without You.

            I feel so out of control its like no one can stop me, especially myself. Maybe more so its that I feel like no one is even watching or caring what I am doing. No one.

I make the rules and I hate it.

I can choose to do what will keep me here! I can choose to do “bad” things and to do things that entangle me here even more, yet—

You are ignoring me.

            I feel like You aren’t making me feel that I am welcome to come home to You.

I talk to You all day and I don’t get any reciprocation. You just give me whatever it is that I want, and I hate it.

I hate it.

Why can’t You start giving me only what I need, and not just what I want? I don’t get it.

I am calling out for you!

In my dreams, in my prayers, in my thoughts, in my songs, in my sighs, in my restless movements, in my pleading… and yet, You keep answering only my desires.

Its not fair. You are a spoiling parent, and You are spoiling me to the point of boredom.

I don’t ever get bored. I don’t ever allow it to happen. I am always kept challenged by keeping my options and opportunities open and reading and speaking to everyone that can keep me interested. But now I am finding nothing from You. I am receiving nothing from You.

I am the type of person who wills for something, but still can be distracted by something else if not put in the right place. My will is strong, but my boredom of time sometimes leads to situations getting complicated.

And if there is anything that I do have now–is complications.

I am in one of the hardest situations of my life but I don’t have anyone to guide me. So I am just going forward praying for You to notice.

I am trying to look at them as obstacles to keep me in ever lasting anxiety for Your love and Your world away free all these temporary feelings. But that is not enough everyday to get me by. Knowing that You are keeping in anxiety for You for my favor.

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This is worse than any trial, because not only have I never seen the Judge or the prosecutor, but I have no witnesses.

I feel really out of it now. I was so together, seeming when I was in your direct presence in the dham.

Now I can’t feel your presence. I know it’s my own fault, yet I also know that I am really trying and feeling hopeless without Your help.

I stand before You and I can’t even tell its You. I don’t even know who You are.

            The answer is so clearly floating before me—and it is the scariest part: I’m not  sincere enough to understand You.

I am just wasting Your time.

I don’t know how much longer I will be able to call Hawaii my  home.

Not that calling it home or not changes the fact that it is home for me, but the concept of actually relating myself, my life’s goals, my life’s foundation to her is no longer a tangible concept for me. 

The warm breezes, the sandy days, the sweet cream topped ice shaves and salty chapped sun-kissed skin. Everything that anyone could ask for in this world is there for me. It is there for me. Its sitting just there, relaxing as it always will be. . . 

But its not for me, anymore. 

A classmate of mine told us of how in South India Hindus are afraid of putting Lord Krsna on their altars with the demi-god they worship. When she asked why it was that they were afraid of putting Him on their, they explained that it was because Lord Krsna was not like the demi-gods, He wouldn’t grant your desires of wealth an fame like Lord Ganesha or Laxmi. Instead they said He would take everything away. He would take away wealth and fame.

And its true. He does take away everything. 

He takes away everything that we are attached to, that we think we love, or cherish.

But what He gives instead, what He gives instead these people have never concluded–Himself completely. He gives us an eternal loving relationship that no wealth or fame could ever, ever touch. 

And that is what Krsna has gone and done to me.

My taste in music, fashion, lazy days in Hawaii, surfing…everything. Its gone. Its lost in the waves of His echoing name. 

It makes me want to cry at times. Having to choose. Having to actually commit to Him, commit to Him more than I will commit to anyone else. Having to choose a path and stick to it! It seems so against my nature. 

Because it is. Because it is. Nature is telling me to enjoy, because that is why I came here. But after so many strikes out–I think I am willing to try another technique. 

Its scary.

My old life is like a love affair that can’t go on any longer. 

I am feeling really torn. And it is because I don’t know what to call home–

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On another note:

My roommates are convinced that there is a ghost who lives amongst us at our cozy house outside in the jackal screaming area in the grassy fields of the world outside ISKCON Mayapur.

They say she turns on the light at night and closes doors. I think its a case of old fashion sleep walking, but no one will admit to it. I’m not sure either way though, because taking into light we do have a gecko acting as an alarm clock. He doesn’t work like a regular alarm you see, where you decide when it goes off. He has an ego this gecko, and he wakes my roommates up for Mungal arti every morning even though they don’t have any intention to attend.

He he he. 

My home is no longer where the misty ocean breeze sprays from cliffsides. Kaloli cliffs, Big Island, Hawaii.

Bad riddle (courtesy of a Gurukuli from London)

Question: What is one part of you that grows as you get smaller??

Answer: Your age

That took us an entire ferry ride from London to France to figure out, I blame the word choice, smaller? is that even politically correct to say? The only people who get smaller are old women who have Scoliosis!

Just as the he began to sing, I thought I was going to struggle though another Bhagavatam class, the ones I have experienced my whole life; sastra and preaching, no real life insight no real life emotions, just straight textbook. But I was confused, because the lectures here have always been uplifting-but its just his singing! Sooo off-key, how could he sing so off and not notice himself?

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Singing, just as looks, can be a deceiving way to judge a person or judge a person’s thought…Duh. 

It was a expansive lecture: American economy, Pralad Maharaj’s devotion to Krsna, the need to be learn to be dependent on Krsna, Tirupati Balaji, you name it this lecture covered it. I would like to share more but it is still digesting so I will rehash it on another day.

Why then was I so conditioned to thinking the class was going to drag on I can’t help but wonder…

The Srimad Bhagavatam is everything. Read just once and you are destined to reach Krsna. Read precisely and you will go back to Him!! Its so simple its complicated. Its so simple it seems impossible-it seems incomprehensible. 

“Srimad Bhagavatam is as good as Krishna. They are identical.” -Srila Prabhupada

Being raised with Krsna Consciousness in my back pocket makes it easier for me to want to sit down on Him–and worse than squashing Him and throwing Him in the wash with my pants, is that I always forget He is always there. Always. 

I have been feeling recently more than ever that I have wasted many years.

Yeah yeah I am still young but I have this endless feeling of catching up, regaining ground I should have crossed times ago to reach a firm stance–just the bottom of the hill. 

I arrived in India almost a month ago. Sometimes I count the days that I have been here in an attempt to make sense of my journey through the rational approach of using the logic of numbers, other times are worse than others, and I like to keep track of much longer I have to be sweating in this heat of reality. 

I can’t remember more than just blurrrrs, the days are all mushed into a large samosa like filling on my plate, an organized lump, left there to swallow at another time, I suppose.

I like my samosas spicy, but my chutney sweet. 

There is one quote Srila Prabhpada says that I contemplate daily:

“Spiritual life is difficult, but material life is impossible.” -Nectar of Devotion

I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t lean on his teachings, but I know I wouldn’t be able to stand. I wouldn’t be able to intake all of the outside world’s rubbish and the “inside” world’s negligence. 

It’s a different era here. An old era present even in the never sleeping, poverty stricken city of Mumbai, where the West’s oil stains and cheap trends are flirting about in the countries move towards “modernization.”

It’s a different era, here, in the ISKCON Chowpatty temple maybe even more so than outside. It’s a place of dignity and standards, of knowledge and practice, and of rules and norms. . .

I obviously don’t fit in. 

Dealing with people within our faith sometimes is the hardest part for me. All of the areas of my daily spiritual practice are affected by it, and I can’t help but want to run and hide or curse Krsna when things are really difficult. 

So, I did. I didn’t go to Mungal artika and Guru puja yesterday, almost missing all of the Bhagavatam class (which I absolutely love here) because I was feeling fitful and angry at Krsna for making spiritual life so difficult for me. 

Silly, even offensive I am sure it was, and I am. I tried and tried to find other feelings and I couldn’t. 

Sometimes I can’t see past the way with people interact or lack to interact with each other, and especially with  me. I just want to sing and dance with everyone! Sway and hum with them, eat and serve them, laugh and smile with them. But I don’t always feel the reciprocation. 

The ways of devotees should be sweet in the same, because devotional life is hot and spicy and it’s messy– it’s scrambled bits and pieces of reflection and experience but done together – making it yummy. 

I can only eat my samosas spicy, if my chutney is sweet. 

Ram — a Rama Rama Rama Rama Rama Ram

Ram — a Rama Rama Rama Rama Rama Ram

- Naam Kirtan, The Best Of Mahatma Das